My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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