yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
