i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
