is your mom at the bar?
it hurts more in the daytime
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
