Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So much rum. So many feels.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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