Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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