I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
