Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
