Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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