I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
