Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize