Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize