I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
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