omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize