I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
