if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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