Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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