In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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