Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
