Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
