Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it was like eating out sand paper
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
