i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
