Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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