If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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