please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
