he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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