Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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