I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
a search helicopter?!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
