doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
I will die if light touches me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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