Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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