Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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