ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
