I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
