I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
