I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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