Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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