I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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