I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
