Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
