She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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