Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
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