Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
