Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
