smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
