my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
