Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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