Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
