Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
