I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
COCAINE IS GR8
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
