We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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