It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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