a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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