I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
