I want to walk on stilts...naked
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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