no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
