you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize