how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
